The bombing has continued for 3 nights now. The squirrels seem to be engaging in some sort of nocturnal warfare; as soon as the sun falls below the horizon and the sky darkens, the explosions start. Thus far, no direct hits to our fortress have been made. This reinforces my sickening theory that Mommy and Daddy are indeed covert operatives for the Squirrel Rebellion. The little rodents would not endanger their own spies while they are still beneficial to the Mission.
I am attempting to communicate in secret at this point, so as to avoid interception of my reports to you, fellow comrades. Mommy thinks I am just chewing on a rawhide bone behind the couch; luckily, my pawpaws allow me to type swiftly and silently.
I am working on a defense and counter-attack strategy. I have overheard Mommy and Daddy murmuring about “the 4th”, and referring to it as Independence Day. This is obviously the date that the Squirrel Faction intends to execute their primary attack, thereby taking over civilization as we know it and gaining Independence. But do not fear, my fellow canines- we shall unite and stave off the Squirrels, led by that fluffy little bastard, Wuss. Below is the detailed, highly confidential plan to ward off the Rebellion. Whatever you do, DO NOT allow this message to fall into the wrong hands. (Where is an R2D2 unit in which to hide your secret plans when you need it…)
Step 1: Collect the necessary supplies. Once the attack commences, we will need ample resources to keep up our energy. Work on collecting all the dog treats, rawhide bones, and food that you can get your paws on. I plan to steal some of the slobbering beast’s food and hide it in my super secret spot in the corner of the room behind the lamp. Tip: Dirty socks provide good camouflage from the humans for your hidden provisions.
Step 2: Construct the appropriate fortifications. Once the explosions start hitting home after dark, we will need additional protection from debris and shrapnel. I recommend stealing the humans’ blankets and pillows. I should be able to con the larger dog into assisting with the construction so as to speed the process significantly. My Tiny Legs of Might can only do so much.
Step 3: Prepare booby traps. Now, this is where you can get creative. Tip 1: Strategically placed poo can throw off the Squirrels’ human counterparts, especially in the dark. You will probably need to start this step ASAP, so get to work on it. Also, it means that those of you who consume feces need to refrain from digesting the battle materials. (Also, stop being disgusting. Hillbilly. Have some respect for yourself and quit shaming your species.) Tip 2: Arrange your toys to add to the obstacles prohibiting entry into your fortification (entryway placement is ideal). The Squirrels may not know what the foreign objects are, and may be delayed by their tiny little brains when they cannot recognize the entity in its path. Tip 3: Take out the lights inside the house. That way, we can operate under the stealth of night and eliminate the Squirrels’ advantage in this regard. I recommend climbing on furniture and knocking over lamps. Yes, the humans will get angry, but this is why you must plan to complete this portion of the booby-trapping last. If you can, blame it on the cats in your residence. They also hate squirrels, so they should go along with it (for now. Watch your back for retaliation from those cold-blooded creatures).
Step 4: Battle.
The Squirrels will likely attempt to infiltrate your home after several direct bombing hits weaken your defenses. Remember to stay calm and focused, and don’t reveal your position for attack until you are close enough to see the wiggling of their noses. They may have infiltrated the humans, they may have found a large stockpile of heavy explosives, and they may even have us beat in pure numbers, but WE, my fellow canines, outweigh them in brains, physical strength, and heart. If we can outlast the initial attack, and lure them into our battleground, we are sure to emerge victorious.
Step 5: Victory, followed by raiding of the Humans’ food pantries.
STAY STRONG, FELLOW CANINES.
-General Grumpy Dachshund