Thine Enemy

I wait. She continues to stare at me, wagging her stupid tail, slobbering all over her face. Disgusting.

I stay completely still. Perhaps she is like a T-Rex, losing me if I don’t move.

She starts growing impatient. I can sense it. She shifts, and then starts bouncing around like a kangaroo on crack. I glare at her while she careens in circles around me, getting dangerously close to my chew toy.  My mind begins to race with all the methods of torture I will enact upon her if she goes for the toy gripped firmly in my jaws. She shall not have it.

My war growl begins rumbling from the depths of my belly. My eyes dart briefly to the left, and as the stupid beast hops right, I sprint to the side and fly past her.  What a bumbling fool. I race under the kitchen table, where her giant head can’t get me. I have bested her today. But the war is not over. She has invaded my territory, moving in on my castle. She plays with my toys, sleeps in my bed, and, as the most egregious offense:

She. Sits. In. Mommy’s. Lap.

Or at least she tries shoving her huge ass in there. Ridiculous mutt should know that she is no lapdog. She must learn her place. And I shall teach her to behave.  After I chew on this toy under the table for a few hours.